Summit

I started my day having this heated argument with the PExer I was referring to in my entry yesterday. As usual the issue was about his contradicting statements which he kept on defending despite the fact that everybody was not agreeing to what he was claiming.

Anyway, it seems that our written exchanges had become much more personal, that other pexers started to remind me to keep my cool. Which, I immediately did show in my last post.

However, this Pexer asked me a rather challenging question about masculinity.

It is a fact that in the country's gay society, masculinity, aside from physical looks defines almost everything that is beyond friendship. Being a chatroom kid, I saw how ruthlessly discriminating most guys are when it comes to that subject.

Since I have already changed my ways and eased my own beliefs when it comes to being straight-acting and not being straight-acting, I asked a third opinion from a straight guy colleague about how he sees me, if ever I am not out in the office.

---

Here is the transcript of our conversation.

Taonggoy* (me) : Tol may tanong ako sayo

Taonggoy: seryoso to ha walang kalokohan

Choirboy* (officemate): ano?

Choirboy: ok

Taonggoy: Halimbawa nakilala mo ako sa ibang lugar, malalaman mo kaagad na bading ako?

Choirboy: ndi

Choirboy: ndi ko nga tlga lam na bading ka at first e

Choirboy: honestly

Taonggoy: So pasado pa akong barako?

Choirboy: oo nmn

Taonggoy: Thanks pare!!

Choirboy: laki mo pa

Taonggoy: hehehe

Choirboy: sino bang mgaakala

Choirboy: np

Taonggoy: haha

Taonggoy: sige tol

Taonggoy: salamat ulit

---

Honestly, I was surprised myself by his remarks.

For all I know, I have fully embraced the fold - even adapting to the effeminate mode regularly since I find it quite comfortable to be in that spectrum.

But of course, my outness had previously became a source of uncomfortability after straight guys filled all the vacancies the fabulous gays had left in the office. Somehow I felt alienated whenever they get to hang around and have their own yosi breaks.

Good thing, I am beginning to get quite comfortable with their company, despite our preferential difference. Actually, this is the first time I allowed myself to exist outside the closet and still remain in control with my surroundings.

Indeed, sometimes its better to be true with oneself rather than hide behind the shadows. After all, my nature, interest and personality is more inclined towards the butch side despite my state of being out and proud.

With that revalation from him, I can still be comfortable hunting out closet guys and pretenders. I could still relate with those who are leaning toward their masculinity despite my familiarity and comfortability with the effeminates.

My actual reason for asking my colleague on how he sees me as a homosexual is because I have plans of seeing this Pexer guy myself and see what he got.

At least, I won't have to exert an effort trying to be someone who I doubt if I still am, since I have already the assurance of a straight guy,

that I can still easily pass up as someone that resembles almost like him.

* YM handles have been changed in order to protect the guys involved in the conversation

Cool

Sometime during my first wild days season, I met this very wasted guy at Mint before. Being quite tired from all the madness I've been doing that quarter, I have almost lost all my hopes in finding my first real lover.

I began that Friday night relatively normal. Being normal means I would go to that said bar, dance till morning comes, have some outrageously wild PDAs with some guy I meet in the floor then go home to begin a new day. That was my plan for that night

But who would have ever thought that it would turn out very different from those other Friday nights I've been there.

He was 27, with a date, whom he had dumped outrightly because of me. I was 21, relatively fresh and was just beginning to pick up the pieces of myself after I surrender my feelings to Roy.

We were both lonely, we both needed some new company. I was in a mood to be quite nice towards him, after all, he was my type - being mestiso, with strong cheekbone defining his face, with a very maangas looks and all.

No wonder, when he asked me to stay, I immediately agreed to spend the night with him at a motel, which was my first time and I even allowed him to bottom me till-I-bleed for the very first time.

Two days after our intimate moments we declared ourselves

A couple.

He was my first buddy and his impact remains being felt three years after it all happened.

---

Who would have ever thought that he had a lot of issues when we became us.

He was paranoid, had a boring yet very wild life (compared to what my statistics were during those days), but I was relatively promising since I was a lot more younger then and that's what he was very afraid of. That's why I resolved myself to shun my life in favor of his.

A week after became us, I began picking him up from his work everyday and we ate our dinner together when we arrive at his dorm.

For the first two and a half months, I never faltered with my commitment. I would leave my work early just to be with him on time. I would get upset and sometimes even cry when we get into fights, which happens almost every day. I completely stopped having my own night outs and in exchange for that, he would sleep over my apartment at Project 6, which was mostly pilitan pa.

In relative terms, he was my master. I spoiled him but at the same time, I never felt that he appreciated my efforts that much. He would get weary and accused me of flirting around whenever I get some friendly text message from someone he didn't know - sometimes, he would even doubt my very own friends which often leads to our fights

It was a mental torture, but I got around his system because I loved him very much.

Until things get nasty during the last few weeks of our relationship.

---

As the story goes, he was admitted in a hospital after the doctors found signs of a major lung ailment. A friend, which was his ex buddy brought a friend which began flirting with him behind my back days after he was released from confinement.

Eventually I discovered it and I became furious. He said he was doing nothing, but his text messages clearly shows that he was lying.

Weeks after, their flirting continues. I fought back by running away at Mister Piggy's and eventually meeting Toto, who was also wasted and quite lonely that night. In short, I fucked around without his knowledge.

After all, I felt that our relationship is already doomed.

Valentines Day came and I prepared for it. Bought him an original Regine CD only to find out that someone gave him a Red Rose.

That afternoon, I was severely upset. He even added more insults after claiming all he ever wanted was a rose that Valentines Day. I, on the other hand believed that it came from some other guy whom he started flirting after things between us became relatively nasty.

That evening, it came to a point where I was already defiant and bitter after he never appreciated my efforts to give him what I assumed he likes. He responded to it by being defiant himself.

He called it quits. I formalized our break-up the moment I got his text message.

Valentines Day, I declared my independence...

... and ended up spending it with my Odders friends at Quattro and with Roy at Mister Piggys that same night.

---

Looking back, I harbored very ill feelings after we broke up. Although, we ended it quite nicely but at a deeper level, I have never got past through those three months of intense sacrifice.

Immediately after we broke up, I began my second wild-days season, which was relatively brief for Phanks suddenly came into my life.

When he realized what he lost after breaking up with me, I was already beginning investing my emotions toward my new buddy.

Occasionally, our lives would meet at certain junctions. After me, he had brief relationships with some of my closest friends.

But I've always been confident that ours was very unique... after all, nobody among them had seen my ex very very close and in a deeply personal way.

Last time we saw each other, we had a showdown at Malate. Once again, he was wasted after my friend broke up with him a night after I vocally ended my hatred towards him.

Several weeks ago, he sent me a testimonial in my friendster. For reasons I can't really explain, after all those years of being indifferent and cold towards him, he still attempts to normalize our relations despite everything that came between us.

I guess right now, all I can say is that after all those years my attitude has already changed from being coldly indifferent to being cool. Maybe my issues with Phanks has somehow made me accept the realities that normally happens between man to man couples.

Looking back, I'm glad that things happened the way it should be. Now that everything is all too clear for me now, I guess we were never meant for each other. His life is far more complicated, messy and lonely compared to mine.

Besides, its easier to introduce phanks at home than having to introduce him, a late-twenties bf.

Now that all has been said and done and that our past has finally been written in my book of days,

I guess its finally time for me to respond to his testimonial.

---

Remember Harbor Boulevard

The dreaming days where the mess was made

Look how all the kids have grown, oh

We have changed but we're still the same

After all that we've been through

I know we're cool

I know we're cool

Yeah, I know we're cool

- Gwen Stefani, Cool