"At least malaya ka na kapag wala na ako..."
When will my dear mother learn that there is no life after her passing; that I only wagered my human existence long enough to see her enjoying a comfortable life? I don't really care about my future; I don't even have dreams to pick up like a ripe fruit hanging from a tree. I live in the present, and if there are some things I look forward for tomorrow, those things are still within the time frame of her earthly presence.
I understand that she is just tired, exhausted and frustrated with the things happening to her. She complains of endless body pains, of regular medical check-ups and long-list of prescribed medicines she have to buy for her roster of illnesses. She worries about the growing debts of our Sikyu Business and my sister's resistance to do something about her bummed bliss. Mother has indeed grown old, for the last time I heard such pessimist remarks were from my grandparents when they were at the twilight of their age. Passing is imminent that I have already accepted, and no matter how I think about what lies beyond, the only thing I see is an end.
An end which I am ready to take whether I'd be called or not.
Today I declare an emergency Jomanian Holiday. I will leave the house in the morning to have my weekly spiritual fix (and pray for my sister and a couple of friends who will exercise their resolve to find a means of living this week) out there in the ridge, then go to the most extensive hardware store to buy those stainless steel safety rails for our bathrooms (because mom tells me that she cannot lift herself anymore) and spend the rest of the day having a mother-son bonding at home.
Hopefully it would cast away the gloom that has been a fixture in the house lately.
---
Last New Year, my sister and I had a bonding with my cousins over several bottles of beer. We talked about the lives we have and how we look forward to strengthening our blood ties as we grow older. When we talked about our mothers, (because our moms are siblings) many of them expressed uncomfortably at how their mothers take control or sometimes manipulate their adult lives. (and they are torn apart between living elsewhere and staying with the family only because they want to get out of their influence and try their luck being on their own) Me and my sister could not say a thing. We could not understand their grievances for we have already learned to put our lives in-sync with our mom's.
Now that I think about it, we would be left most vulnerable and destructive when she moves on.
*après moi, le déluge
remark attributed to Louis XV of France; used in reference to the impending end of a functioning French monarchy and predicting the French Revolution.
I understand that she is just tired, exhausted and frustrated with the things happening to her. She complains of endless body pains, of regular medical check-ups and long-list of prescribed medicines she have to buy for her roster of illnesses. She worries about the growing debts of our Sikyu Business and my sister's resistance to do something about her bummed bliss. Mother has indeed grown old, for the last time I heard such pessimist remarks were from my grandparents when they were at the twilight of their age. Passing is imminent that I have already accepted, and no matter how I think about what lies beyond, the only thing I see is an end.
An end which I am ready to take whether I'd be called or not.
Today I declare an emergency Jomanian Holiday. I will leave the house in the morning to have my weekly spiritual fix (and pray for my sister and a couple of friends who will exercise their resolve to find a means of living this week) out there in the ridge, then go to the most extensive hardware store to buy those stainless steel safety rails for our bathrooms (because mom tells me that she cannot lift herself anymore) and spend the rest of the day having a mother-son bonding at home.
Hopefully it would cast away the gloom that has been a fixture in the house lately.
---
Last New Year, my sister and I had a bonding with my cousins over several bottles of beer. We talked about the lives we have and how we look forward to strengthening our blood ties as we grow older. When we talked about our mothers, (because our moms are siblings) many of them expressed uncomfortably at how their mothers take control or sometimes manipulate their adult lives. (and they are torn apart between living elsewhere and staying with the family only because they want to get out of their influence and try their luck being on their own) Me and my sister could not say a thing. We could not understand their grievances for we have already learned to put our lives in-sync with our mom's.
Now that I think about it, we would be left most vulnerable and destructive when she moves on.
*après moi, le déluge
remark attributed to Louis XV of France; used in reference to the impending end of a functioning French monarchy and predicting the French Revolution.