The Berthgiver (Second Part)

[12:02] kidblogger001: pero ewan ko..
[12:02] kidblogger001: kasi..
[12:02] kidblogger001: gustong gusto ko yung feeling na..
[12:02] kidblogger001: pinagtitinginan ka.
[12:02] MuGen: ano?
[12:02] kidblogger001: lalu na ng mga bakla.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha.
[12:02] kidblogger001: alam mong sabik sau.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha
[12:02] MuGen: may itsura ka naman eh
[12:02] MuGen: pero don't get it into your head
[12:03] MuGen: dapat maging challenge mo
[12:03] MuGen: paano mo makukuha ang attention
[12:03] MuGen: ng mas superior sayo
[12:03] MuGen: sa katawan saka sa looks
[12:04] kidblogger001: ahh.
[12:04] kidblogger001: tama.
[12:04] kidblogger001: pero sa totoo lang,
[12:05] kidblogger001: ginagawa ko nlng to..
[12:05] kidblogger001: just for fun. ayaw ko ng seryosohin.

---

There he was, having his alone time beside the window. Impressions tell that he was not in the mood to mingle with the people in our table. I glanced at him from a distance only to see his eyes fixed at the road outside. It was clear that something was bothering him but being a newbie in the group, to reach out would make me appear too cocky to those who met him before I arrived.

Some of the guys from our thread would interrupt his solitary confinement. They would pull his hand and coax him to join us in our wild abandonment. He would respond to the invitation by sliding his butt from the bar stool. He would then stand in one corner and thump his feet and nod his head to the sound of music to make it appear that he was dancing.

After a house track has finished playing, he would quietly slip from our circle and reach his hand to pick a bottle of beer he left on the table. He would empty the bottle with one gulp before returning to his stool and fix his gaze back to the road outside the window.

It must be my tendency to be drawn to people who seldom speak that lead me closer to him. After all, there seems to be a natural attraction between two non-straight men who find each other deem masculine for their taste. Barely an hour since I arrived, we were already exchanging pleasantries in one corner as prying eyes turn toward our direction.

I found out weeks later that the reason for the sudden coldness among several of the attendees was because he was the apple of the eye during the grand eye ball.

And there we were, suddenly getting comfortable with one another.

---

[12:05] MuGen: bata ka pa
[12:05] MuGen: so you can afford to have fun
[12:06] MuGen: basta ingat ka lang dude
[12:06] MuGen: 18 ka tama ba?
[12:07] kidblogger001: uu.
[12:07] kidblogger001: 18..
[12:07] kidblogger001: salamat..
[12:07] kidblogger001: hehe..
[12:07] MuGen: normal yan
[12:07] MuGen: malibog
[12:07] MuGen: aggressive
[12:07] MuGen: may mga nagagawa ako ng 21
[12:07] MuGen: na hindi ko maimagine na gagawin ko ngayong 27 na ako
[12:07] kidblogger001: like wut?
[12:07] MuGen: yoko sabihin sayo
[12:07] MuGen: mag ka idea ka pa
[12:08] kidblogger001: ganun?
[12:08] kidblogger001: haha.

---

I found out during the course of our conversation that the guy he was courting for many weeks suddenly picked someone to become his new lover. I didn't speak much that night, and instead listened as he recounted the things he did in order to win the guy's affection. For a tall, chinito guy like him, I think he was a good catch. I even made enemies just for having a monopoly of his attention. But since it was my first real encounter with a non-straight guy who thinks and acts like me, I was more fascinated in becoming his buddy. After all, I was still in a heterosexual relationship and I just couldn't imagine having a girl and a guy being my lovers.

The night ended with us exchanging numbers. I left earlier than the rest since they were all drunk and I could already feel that some of them didn't want my presence. Upon returning to the party meeting, the core group was still arguing about the expenses and logistics of running the elections. Meanwhile, the candidates rehearsed their speeches at the far end of the room.

Things would have appeared normal except for me, whose eyes suddenly had this spark after my first grand eye ball. For the first time, I never felt alone. Someone actually understood the troubles running in my head. To live a double life I am against wasn't easy, but to know that another person shares the same struggles I have was enough to overcome the burdens of denying myself of the truth:

I am attracted to another guy and there's no other way but to accept it as a fact.

---

[12:08] kidblogger001: so dami ok pa plng di alam.
[12:08] kidblogger001: kung baga rookie plang ako.
[12:08] MuGen: hindi ka naman pwede maging expert kaagad eh
[12:08] MuGen: kahit ako hindi ko masasabing expert ako nu
[12:09] MuGen: palaban lang ako pag hinahamon
[12:10] kidblogger001: ah. pero alam mong mali diba?
[12:10] MuGen: mali alin?
[12:11] kidblogger001: mali ang lahat ng ito.
[12:11] MuGen: hindi
[12:11] MuGen: society lang nagdidikta sa atin na mali ito.
[12:11] MuGen: pusta ko sayo
[12:11] MuGen: kapag 30 ka na
[12:11] MuGen: hindi na big deal
[12:11] MuGen: kung straight ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bading ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bi ka.

---

It was almost morning and my text exchanges with FireArcher never stopped We talked about our longings and yes, even our desire to see each other soon. Reading between the lines, the messages revealed our mutual interest for one another. I just couldn't admit it. As my party mates retreat for some rest, I looked at our effeminate colleagues with a smile on my face. They returned the favor by raising an eyebrow as they passed in front of me.

At the back of my head. All I could muster was an act of surrender. There was no use holding on, for my insatiable appetite to discover my new-found sexuality has reached levels that could never be controlled anymore. With our first encounter still burning in my memory, I decided to know him more.

I retreated into the night with these lines ending my first gay poem.

I,
a suppose to be
impenetrable fortress
has become a mudbrick
withering after ages of hiding

You
burn me relentlessly
in the most secret
of the nights

---

-tobecontinued-

The Berthgiver (First Part)

Bakit kaya dumarami ang mga PLU kahit hindi sila nanganganak?

- Anon

---

[11:32] MuGen: may experience ka na ba dati?
[11:32] MuGen: i mean
[11:32] MuGen: nasubukan mo na
[11:32] MuGen: sa lalaki?
[11:34] kidblogger001: ha? bakit?
[11:34] kidblogger001: mu natanong?
[11:34] kidblogger001: muka ba?
[11:36] MuGen: yung tingin ko?
[11:37] kidblogger001: yea?

---

We agreed to see each other a few days after our first meeting in a grand eye ball.

The grand eye ball was my first. Organized by the founders of the first gay and lesbian community in Pinoyexchange, it set the standards for all the gatherings among non-straight groups in the online forum. I remember showing up in my school uniform that night in Malate. The campaign drive for the student council elections was in its final swing and meetings after meetings took what remained of my social life.

Despite the busy schedule, my inner sexual conflict was gaining prominence among the things I thought beyond politics. I just confessed my bisexual tendencies in the same forum a few weeks before and the invitation to join the gathering sent to me hereafter was too tempting not to ignore.

So I made an excuse to my other colleagues who were still in the middle of a heated debate within the campus just to satisfy my curiosity. I rode a jeep in Dapitan going to Taft Avenue; walked a few blocks from the main road until reaching the corner of Nakpil and Orosa streets; and entered a lesbian bar which would close down before the year ended and open again as the infamous Red Banana, which was known for its cum-drenched dark room upstairs until it was closed down by the authorities several years ago.

The place where my life as a non-straight started is now occupied by the much tamer O-Bar.

---

[11:37] MuGen: curious ka eh
[11:37] MuGen: so mukhang may karanasan ka na
[11:38] MuGen: tropa tayo dude ha
[11:38] MuGen: alam mo naman
[11:38] MuGen: preference ko diba
[11:39] kidblogger001: anu nga ba?
[11:39] MuGen: hindi ako straight.
[11:39] kidblogger001: confirm ko lanf,
[11:40] MuGen: so bago ka mag trip
[11:40] MuGen: itanong mo muna sa akin
[11:40] MuGen: at baka
[11:40] MuGen: ma-confuse ka
[11:40] MuGen: pag tumagal
[11:41] kidblogger001: ma confuse san?
[11:41] MuGen: haha
[11:41] MuGen: wala

---

"Hello! Si Endymionn ito, nandito na ako sa La Dida. Nasaan kayo?"

"Akyat ka lang. Nakaupo kami malapit sa CR."

I called the organizer using my mobile phone the moment I set foot inside the bar. These days, I would even leave a dance partner and walk as far away as I could just to call back my mother whenever she checks my whereabouts during my weekly night-outs. Finding the group wasn't difficult. Since it was a lesbian bar, there were only a handful of guys inside the place. I easily found them seated near the bathroom.

What greeted me was a bunch of men and women who happens to be all non-straights. Most of them were effeminate gays in their mid and early twenties, while a couple of masculine ones were seated next to the window. The rest were lipstick and butch lesbians dancing next to our table. Had I not been exposed to the same kind of people within my political party, I would have never lasted an hour in their company.

Like all first timers, I had my tense moments too. I kept on looking at faces of people around me out of fear that someone might know who I am. You see, I was technically straight. I had no experience with another guy; I was quite well-known in my campus; and my circle of friends inside the classroom were straight men who enjoyed bashing gay people. It would be a great embarrassment had someone from school caught me hanging out in such queer places.

The only gay people I knew were the flamboyant and screaming ones from my college. The concept of discreetness hasn't entered my consciousness yet and the thought of seeing a masculine guy who happens to like another guy was a stuff of legend I was trying to prove to exist. It was the reason I dared show up in the company of gay people. Somehow, it got so cramped inside my closet that the need to reach out and connect with men who shares my affinity became a need I could not resist.

---

[11:42] kidblogger001: so anu ka?
[11:42] kidblogger001: silahis?
[11:42] kidblogger001: ganun?
[11:42] MuGen: uu
[11:42] MuGen: [insert smiley face here]
[11:42] kidblogger001: or ung bimale?
[11:43] MuGen: pareho lang yun
[11:43] kidblogger001: ah. preho lang ba yun.
[11:43] kidblogger001: t, b, o v?
[11:45] MuGen: nyemas
[11:45] MuGen: dami mong alam ah
[11:45] MuGen: alam mo ibig sabihin ng t b o v?
[11:47] kidblogger001: top, bottom, versa?
[11:47] MuGen: sino nagturo sayo?
[11:47] MuGen: straight ka ba?
[11:47] kidblogger001: ako.
[11:47] MuGen: confused?
[11:48] kidblogger001: confused?
[11:48] kidblogger001: indi ah.
[11:48] kidblogger001: sure ako.
[11:48] kidblogger001: 100%
[11:48] MuGen: straight.
[11:48] kidblogger001: BI
[11:48] kidblogger001: [insert smiley face here]
[11:49] MuGen: gulo mo bro.
[11:49] MuGen: haha
[11:49] MuGen: wag mong piliting basahin kita
[11:49] kidblogger001: panong basahin?
[11:49] kidblogger001: ayaw mu maniwala?
[11:50] MuGen: na bisexual ka?
[11:51] kidblogger001: oo?

---

"Hi, my name is Joms. My PEx handle is Endymionn." They all nodded to acknowledge my presence.

Like in all traditional grand eyeballs, there is a part where the host would introduce the new arrival to everyone in the group. First to be introduced were the lesbians who were grinding to the sound of Joyrise before they were interrupted by one of the organizers. They were all pretty, very feminine and if not for their admission of sexuality, one would never realize that they were actually boob-diggers.

Next were the professional gay men from the "straight-acting" group. They were men, yes, but straight-acting, I doubt. Nevertheless, they all welcomed me with open-arms despite showing some stiffness and distance when I tried to reach out to them. I sat in their table realizing that I cannot relate to the musicals, fine dining places and pop culture they talked among themselves.

The last to be introduced were the "bisexuals." They were the ones I'm acquainted with in the forum. All of them were students like me. We came from different universities who have different views about sexuality. Among all of them, I think I was the only rookie. Most of them were already quite comfortable with themselves and their reasons for attending were far different from mine.

In those days, my favorite opening lines were "kelan mo na realize na hindi ka pala straight?" or "when was the last time you had a girlfriend?" Those who got fed up by those questions raised by the uninstructed ones like me would just raise their eyebrows, smile and then hesitantly give their answers. After satisfying your curiosity, they would return to their hunting grounds in search for their potential lovers. Since I wasn't really a catch and most people found me aloof, if not too intimidating, I was left in the corner near the windows looking at the group of people assembled on the street below.

That was until I met someone who happened to share the same wavelength as mine.

His PEx handle was FireArcher and before the week was over, he would eventually be the one to initiate me to the ways of being a non-straight.

---

[11:52] MuGen: thanks sa pagtitiwala
[11:52] MuGen: actually basa ko naman eh
[11:52] kidblogger001: eh yun nmn pla eh.
[11:53] kidblogger001: haha.
[11:53] kidblogger001: ngayun lang?
[11:53] MuGen: nung
[11:54] MuGen: sinabi mo sakin
[11:54] MuGen: yung q circle
[11:55] MuGen: [insert blog entry link here]
[11:56] MuGen: tsaka yan
[11:57] kidblogger001: haha. mahilig lang tlga ako sa mga ganyan.
[11:57] kidblogger001: lols.
[11:57] kidblogger001: i mean sa mga bakla.
[11:57] MuGen: hehe
[11:57] MuGen: nakikisama ako sa mas effem sa akin
[11:57] MuGen: pag kaibigan lang
[11:57] MuGen: pero pag medyo
[11:57] MuGen: lumalandi
[11:57] MuGen: defensive na ako.
[11:58] kidblogger001: haha.
[11:58] MuGen: parang gaya sa gateway mo
[11:58] MuGen: mabait ka pa
[11:59] kidblogger001: first time ko nmn kasi tlga un.
[11:59] kidblogger001: kaya di ko lam gagawin ko.
[11:59] kidblogger001: tska isa pa.
[11:59] MuGen: anu?
[11:59] kidblogger001: di ko trip s i kuya.
[11:59] kidblogger001: lols
[11:59] MuGen: hehehe
[11:59] MuGen: pero kung trip mo
[11:59] MuGen: sasama ka?

---

-tobecontinued-